Straight Line Community Support, Outreach & Counselling Center, Victoria, BC. 250 883 4229

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At Straight Line Ent., we desire to help and give back to the community!

 It can be difficult to find and afford counseling support service. Don't wait!  Get the help and support you need now! Please examine this web page for useful information on building healthy relationships, and families while avoiding common mistakes.This page will also help you see clearly the many serious negative impacts of separation and divorce, and thus give you reasons to prevent it.

Also, Lay Counselling Support in:

Intake, Assessment and Referral

Relationships, Family, Separation and Family Law

Anger and Stress

Grief and Loss

Financial Dept Management

Sadly the well known fact is...at least 1 in 2  couples will experience a divorce situation in Canada. A current stat now insists only 7% of families could be titled as "traditional" with fathers working as  the primary bread winner, while the mothers are allowed to attend FT to the unspeakably important work of the home and raising of the children.

This site will touch on some of the many points, issues and questions. How can we prevent family failure? What about anger, our emotional responses, verses our reactions if we are going though divorce? What of all the legal issues, family law, and choices about mediation over costly family court? Can traditional family work? Is remarriage, or jumping into another relationship the easiest solution to a troubled couple? What is the best course to set yourself on?

The fight for the strong traditional family unit... a battle that must be won! 

Some other Considerations of our Huge Family Breakdown Crisis...

   It is important to understand that generally speaking, the family unit is being degenerated, broken and attacked from many angles today in our western culture. Thus it is important to protect the family unit. For many couples, simply giving up is too easy of an option at first glance. The "Me First"  generation we find ourselves living in, and selfish attitudes in our modern age do not help facilitate the "giving" attitude that must be present in strong families and marriages. In addition, many obvious "anti family" movements coupled with a sharp increase in immorality are very prevalent today. The secular, left wing, liberal media, TV, pop culture, and dumb sitcoms capitalize on this and certainly do not help neither. All of this stuff works to indoctrinate this generation with a foolish attitude towards sin, sex, and immorality. It also fails to acknowledge our Creator God or the word of God. It certainly does not present us with reality or the truth. Pop media leaves out the consequences of sin, while missing out on asserting true, strong family values which are so important today in the real world.
   So it is our serious study that relationship issues and broken families alike continue to be a major issue and social problem in our culture and family court system as well. It is our desire to try and help and shed light on the family breakdown trend. Families, specifically young ones, need to work hard and press toward the blessed goal ahead for a strong family unit at all cost.

Many times, couples separate in order to find freedom and joy, but then only find themselves under bondage,regret and sadness. They are under bondage of their X spouse's agreements, court orders, they are under bondage to their children, bondage to child access agreements and time slots, the bondage of lawyers, judges, trials, and their huge fees... this list goes on and on. Where is the freedom and joy which was so expected? Separation and divorce does not work. Both parties working and toiling at a solid relationship and family life does work. Nothing will work in a struggling relationship until the couple does!

Since the nation is made up of cells of families, a strong family under God, makes for a strong nation!

Maintaining Relationships 101:

Many of us seem to believe marriages, and relationships alike can improve upon themselves and be happy automatically without work, if we only would, "meet that right one" or perhaps, "if only the other partner would change."

But is this truly reality?

Perhaps not! As countless men and women from broken/blended families or those who are sperated and divorced can testify....it does not always work out so easy! Reality is very different, problems are bound to happen in relationships, and work needs to be done if they expect to maintain a healthy, strong family unit.

Understanding Some Common Stages of Relationships:

Infatuation:  We can't get enough of each other!!!

Many couples enter marriage expecting their passion to stay as vibrant through the years as the day they wed. But without work and attention, many couples find themselves years later lacking excitement in their marriage. They spend less time together; have fewer conversations and less intimacy.  In the beginning, passionate feelings flourished without much effort, and romantic gestures seemed to come easily. But after awhile, infatuation fades, routine settles in and many couples forget to do the things that keeps love alive. 

And then comes the Power Struggle:

It is not like the movies! After the infatuation phase, comes the power struggle phase. This is likely where most couples divorce.  The partners are each trying to maintain their own identity.  During the infatuation phase couples often give in to the others requests and wishes.  During the power struggle phase couples often see the other as trying to control them. In this phase negotiation is paramount. Learning that two individuals, with very different ideas and ways of doing things, can live together without constant friction and fighting is the goal of this phase of marriage.  If couples can work through this stage there is a promise of a rich, fulfilling relationship on the other side. 

Allowing for both separateness and individuality is really the key in this power struggle phase of relationships.  Realizing that it is okay if your partner likes one kind of toothpaste and you like another.  Not having to always be right is also very important to successfully navigating this phase of a relationship.  Power struggles show up over the smallest of things and sometimes it is better to just acknowledge that you and your partner have a different opinion and that it is okay to be yourself, than to fight over which way the toilet paper should be hung. Couples that have long-lasting, rich marriages realize the importance of this principle and allow their partner to be themselves.  That is what most people are afraid of in relationships, losing their own identity. They are afraid that they will have to give up being themselves in order to stay in the relationship.  There is room for two people in a marriage, two different people.  In fact, that is what makes marriage exciting and wonderful and yes, at times challenging.

Allowing For Differences Is Important!

Another important concept to staying together happily is recognizing and accepting that men and women are different. This is a biological, psychological fact.  They have different roles too. The sooner couples learn and understand this the less likely they are to expect their partner to be who they want them to be, instead they allow them the freedom to be themselves.  John Gray's work, "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus", is an excellent resource in understanding the fundamental differences between men and women. Dr John MacCarthur has a book "Different by Design" which can also help spell out the different roles men and women have.

Once couples realize that their spouse is not just ignoring them or nagging them, they can adjust their expectations and grow to love and appreciate those differences.  It is those differences after all that attracted them to each other in the first place.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.  Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone. Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.   (Kahlil Gibran )

In conclusion, mature couples welcome the needs to love and risk vulnerability.  They also know how to face aloneness and also can enjoy the pleasures of sharing.  They know they no longer need people to survive as they may have once believed.

The Two Kinds of Love:

Healthy Love                                    

• Allows for individuality and has faith
• Seeks to understand and takes time
• Can enjoy both oneness and separateness                    
• Brings out the best in both partners                                   
• Accepts endings, can let go
• Experiences openness to change and  exploration                                                                   
• Invites growth in both and honors Family
• Experiences true intimacy                                                
• Feels freedom to ask for what is wanted and needed honestly                                              
• Experiences giving and receiving in the same way and is ready to work hard towards goals                                                                 
• Does not attempt to change or control the partner                                                              
• Encourages self-sufficiency                                   
• Accepts limitations of self and partner                              
• Does not insist on total agreement                      
• Has high Self-esteem
• Does not seeks its own first all the time                                                       

Unhealthy Love

• Feels all consuming
• Feels partner is a reflection of themselves
• Brings out the worst in both partners
• Fears letting go, is lust driven
  
• Fears risk, change and the unknown
• Allows little individual growth 
• Lacks true intimacy 
• Fear of rejection and not being allowed
• Gives to get something back
• Attempts to change and control partner 
• Needs partner to feel complete
• Seeks solutions outside of self
• Insists on total agreement
• Has low self-esteem and is angry 
• Fears abandonment upon routine separation
• Hides feelings for fear of conflict or rejection

What Is This Thing Called Love? (1 Cor. 13:1-13 NKJV)

The age old definition that has stood for hundreds of years...."The Greatest Gift"

Issues of Stress:

Resolving the legal Issues?  Will it be in Anger, or Cooperation???

In The Truth about Children and Divorce, Dr. Emery describes three general categories of divorcing couples: the "angry divorce", the "distant divorce" and the "cooperative divorce." While these categories are not exactly exhaustive and are drawn from an American legal construct, they are useful in discussing the impact of emotional separation on negotiation, mediation and litigation.

There is more than one way to resolve the issues that arise when a relationship ends, the most common of which are negotiation, mediation and litigation. In this section we will address your emotional response to different situations, namely relationship breakdowns.

But it is important to note these truisms can be applied to all areas of our lives, even if your in a happy relationship. In a nutshell the basic theme is that anger does not work to improve human relationships and rarely does any good in life, while more often than not, causing destruction.
 
"The Types of Divorce"

Each party that is in a separation or divorce has a decisive choice concerning which category they choose to be in.  Below are highlighted the differences with one in the middle which may apply to some couples:

The Cooperative Separation/Divorce

It is important to note that while divorce, separation and legal issues that go with it are never at all  “pleasant” or “happy” situations for either party involved, there are certain attitudes "X couples" can have to keep the peace.Couples engaged in a cooperative separation have usually worked out a lot of their emotions and resolved much of their grief. They recognize their emotions for what they are, and avoid acting out of spite or tearfully reminiscing about the lost relationship. These couples attempt to work things out between themselves, with and without help from lawyers and mediators. Cooperative separations usually result in a separation agreement or an Order that they agree the court should make. Often, what little litigation that does occur is limited to simply getting the divorce Order.

Even better, is the cooperative separation can pave the way to relationship reconciliation! As the couple understands and accommodates each other, in some cases, they decide to work at getting back together. They may start with communicating, counseling, then progress to dating and eventually living together again. Weighing the costs of a broken family for life, financial strain, issues, and other loss, they decide that working on a strong family unit together is best for everyone! This is true.

The Distant Separation/Divorce  

Couples in a distant separation are able to keep their conflict from their children, but are still dealing with feelings of hurt, resentment, anger and pain. While there is plenty of intense anger, this emotion usually fades to a growing dislike or indifference. These couples have done a lot less emotional work on their feelings, and their recollections of the relationship are characterized by bitterness rather than sadness.

These couples are not friends but know better than to become enemies, perhaps because of the children or past experience with court system. They deal with each other minimally, without a great deal of warmth or demonstrated anger.

                  The Angry Separation/ Divorce

These couples have the hardest time dealing with each other and the legal issues between them, as they focus on "fault" and "blame," and are often unable to stop themselves from lashing out hurtfully. Resolving the issues is the most difficult for these couples, and they are the most prone to protracted, ugly litigation.

Couples in an angry divorce, particularly those with children, generally need to get professional help in dealing with the emotional fallout from the end of the relationship if they are to avoid court and learn to cope with each other and their feelings in the months and years to come.

Angry divorces are the sort that lawyers most often wind up dealing with and get rich from. The epic, drawn out, combative battles of certain couples engaged in an angry divorce can barely be described. The legal issues arising from the breakup are rarely concluded within two years, and, when there are children, can run for six or more years! Court ordered police enforcement clauses, restraining orders, and the like can also get in the middle of these struggling couples too as anger turns into fear and more distrust. Moreover,a trial in court with lawyers rarely resolves issues between these couples, as they will often keep fighting long afterward about real or imagined changes in their respective circumstances following judgment. These couples are also living proof that money doesn't buy happiness — it buys you litigation, and lots of it.

This, of course, is the type to be wary of as it is all too common! These separations are also known as "high-conflict" separations. Couples in an angry divorce have trouble letting go of the marriage and feel intense pain and anger. Their emotions are usually raw and neither party has done a great deal to manage their feelings.

                                  Litigation? Think will you need it?

If you think you may need to resort to continued litigation, be ready to pay. Duty council will tell you that one small family trail can cost $50,000 in legal fees easy. Worse yet, this can only be the beginning of a long battle ahead that both sides vow to win at all cost. Many will loose their house, as well as any other cash or asset(s) they own in the legal battles that ensue.

What is litigation?

Litigation is a contest between two parties, at the end of which, following trial there is a winner and a loser. That's a bit of of a gloss on things, but litigation really is adversarial in nature, and if the parties can't come to an agreement between themselves, a trial will be held and a judge will impose a resolution on the parties.

What is Mediation?

In mediation and negotiation, it's the parties themselves who come up with the resolution of their issues. Mediation in particular is cooperative in nature, and requires both parties to commit themselves to a dialogue aimed at finding a solution. There is no winner and no loser, as mediation and negotiation both demand accommodation, and neither party gets exactly what they want; these processes are about compromise. Mediation is a right step in a direction that works. It improves communications and can help parties reach a reasonable settlements.

Unless there is a pressing and manifest urgency, in the author's view negotiation and mediation are to be preferred over litigation.

While it is absolutely true that in some situations court is the only way out, most people can find compromise no matter how wound up their emotional states happen to be. Court is especially important initially if there is action against you that is pressing.

Family Communication:

A lot can be said about this subject. But most of us know that it is not so much what we say or ask, but how we say or ask it. Positive communication is more in our tone, delivery, and body language right? Couples need to practice speaking towards each other in a non angry way, and with gentleness and understanding.

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger." Proverbs. This truth is so very basic in terms of effective communication skills, and how to avoid escalating a issue, but somehow many of us don't often seem to get it! This is an example of where the hard work in a relationship comes in to play.

It is well said that effective communication is the lifeline to any relationship. Once communications die, the relationship dies. There are many ways to communicate positively and some are more effective than others. But time must be taken to communicate often, plan ahead, seek out goals & work together. Include your spouse with your thoughts and work on verbalizing and speaking.

Try not to focus on negativity and ask yourself three questions about a "pressing" issue at hand. Is it illegal? Immoral? Life threatening? If not, ask yourself is it worth a bitter combative dispute that might damage your relationship?

Listening:

Good communication skills are rather worthless if one does not listen! Proper attending is crucial specifically when your spouse is trying to share something emotional in nature with you. It is often too easy to fade away and blank out.  A daydreaming spouse sees and hears nothing their partner is trying to share with them. Focus must be there at all times. Passive aggressive people should not bottle up their feelings, but vent them and get them out effectively or talk to a counsellor.

Practice listing skills, and try repeating back to you partner what they have said to you in order to prove you have been attending to there words. So paraphrase often. We can show empathy and understanding if it is a needy issue even if it is deemed foolish. Should we ever be condescending to them or add injury to insult? This is an area we all need to work on!

Understanding Basic Anger Issues:

Can you recall a time when anger did you any good in your relationship? Does getting angry improve your relationship in any way?

But anger is a natural, normal emotion that often lets you know that something is wrong, or that there is a problem. People who manage anger will stay in control while using their anger to solve problems.

People who do not manage anger well either stuff or ignore their anger, or use their anger as a cue to attack, berate, or control others.

Anger out of control in a relationship can be almost full on war like, combat. Attacks from one another can come by surprise, or be strategic in nature, then planned and carried out. Retaliation more often than not comes after and the cycle continues, and intensifies in nature as the two sides get more angry try and "get even" and get "vengeance." But why would we do this to those we love? As we have seen above, anger does not work in a litigation process. And it certainly wont work in your relationship.

 

People generally fall into one of four categories when they are expressing their anger:

1. Assertive – standing up for your own rights without hurting others. Assertive
    people use anger to set boundaries and solve problems.

 

2. Aggressive - putting yourself first at the expense of others. Aggressive people
   tend to use anger to get their way or to intimidate others.

 

3. Passive - putting others first at your own expense. Passive people tend to stuff       
    their anger resulting in depression or sudden blow-ups.

 

4. Passive/Aggressive – holding anger in until you blow up or finding
 ways to subtly get back at others. Passive/aggressive people tend to resent
others and find ways to vent their anger subtly, for example by “forgetting” to
do things they have agreed to do.

If you tend to blow-up when you are angry, understanding the following biological phases of anger may assist in getting anger under control:

The Button Phase:

This is a reaction or "trigger" to a verbal or non-verbal behavior of another person or thing. The messages you say to yourself often determines whether or not you become angry or aggressive. The bottom line is, how you respond to a trigger in the Button Phase is your responsibility.

The Escalation Phase:

Psychologists call this the "flight or fight" stage. It is the body's natural and automatic reaction to an environmental stress.  You will likely experience any number of biological reactions: increased heart beat, shaking, sweaty palms, increased strength, red-face, increased breathing, tense muscles, sharp eye movement, or an increased vigilance of the surrounding environment. These biological changes prepare your body to react. It is during the button and escalation phase when you have the best opportunity to choose one of many short-cuts to avoid moving on to the explosion phase.

The Explosion Phase:

At this phase, the body usually explodes into action. Your judgment has been significantly reduced during this phase and decisions lack reasoning ability. Parties can lash out hurtfully in so many ways that it cannot be listed. It is the action phase. it can be from a verbal insult or a silent action plan that will be carried out, to a punch or other physical assault that can harm or even kill the other party in extreme cases. The explosion phase is serious due to the fact that people not in control can and do use weapons and be totally irrational and unpredictable.

The Frustration Phase:

At the frustration phase you have exploded and likely are paying for the behavior. You may have offended, pressured, or frightened someone. You may begin to feel sorry, embarrassed, bad, responsible, or hurt as you begin to recall your behavior or words. In addition, your body is starting to recover from the sudden physical and emotional exertion. Your ability to think is also starting to recover.

The Sadness/honeymoon Phase:

After the adrenalin high, there is a low. The sadness phase is a direct result of the body's need to recover from the rush of adrenalin and the physical exertion which occurred. For a short period even your heart rate may drop below normal levels. Increased thinking about the explosion often results in intensified feelings of guilt, regret, or sadness. You may try and "make up" for the hurt you caused upon the other. But this can be just merely a part of the cycle.

Things You Can Do to Avoid Reaching the Explosion Phase!

1. Know your buttons!

One of the best defenses is knowing your buttons. Examine what it is about this situation that gets you so angry. Look for a way to use this information to help you problem solve. The goal is to set your own boundaries, not to control or manipulate others.

2. Reflect

Reflect back on a recent event when you exploded and see if you can determine a point when you could have turned things around. Pay particular attention to your thoughts that may have escalated the situation.

3. Know How to Take Responsibility

Accept the fact you made a mistake and then take responsibility for the mistake. This diffuses anger, helps resist lying, or making up weak excuses that only make people angrier.

4.  Take a time out 

Taking a time out is taking responsibility for yourself. Leave only long enough to calm down and think things through, then return with the goal to problem solve.

Grief and Loss:

Grief and loss is something we often think about when we have lost a loved one. However, grief and loss encompasses all kinds of loss, such as divorce or separation, being laid off, retirement, moving, and illness. In saying this, it often allows a person to understand that these experiences, like death, carry a great amount of emotion. Therefore, the process of dealing with grief and loss can occur during significant times in our lives when we encounter what we had is now gone.

The Process of Grief and Loss:

If the stages of grief were to be identified, it could look something like this:

Denial: a time when the shock of the loss is so real, that there can be a desire to continue on as if nothing has hanged, and emotions may not be readily acknowledged.

Survival: a time when one realizes what he/she has lost. The emotions can be very strong at this time; feelings of sadness, anger, or guilt. The intensity of these feelings can be so energy draining, that we go into "survival mode" to ensure continuing on.

As you may notice in the diagram, the circles overlap, which shows that these stages are not done in order, but can overlap and flow over two each other. The important thing to remember when going through this is that there are strategies you can develop for nurturing yourself through the process to promote healing and growth.

Nurturing Yourself & Self Care:

• Self Care
• "Do not worry about a speck in your brothers eye, when there is a plank in your own eye."
• Self care means looking after you physically, emotionally, and mentally.
• Exercise: swimming,  going for walks, or even booking a massage can all be part of your self care plan. Work out and get into shape, loose that extra weight!
  
• Understand that you cannot help others until your own life is in order. While not being over self indulgent, looking after your own self is very important
  
• Self Care: Go golfing, listen to calming music, take a jog or walk, make new friends.
  
• Hobbies: hobbies are often useful at these times, as they get us concentrating on something else for a period of time. Hobbies can include knitting, puzzles, RC Aircraft, movies, crafts, or playing the guitar. Giving yourself a mental break from what you have just experienced, can lessen that overwhelming feeling.
• Reaching Out: talk to your family or friends, and let them know how you are feeling. If you would like to do this on your own, there are things like journal or art that can be used to express feelings as well. Praying to God for issues in your life and grace to move on is very worthwhile as well.
  

Accepting Support

• We as humans are meant to live in a community where we can turn to others for support during these times.
• Human pride is more often the reason why people do not accept help.
  
•  Trying to think you don't need anyone is a poor attitude.
  
• Family and friends may be the first people we turn to, and it is okay to accept their support. As well, there may be other resources in your community that can be accessed, such as counselling or support groups. No matter what, grief can be a lonely time in a persons life, so to accept support is to engage in the healing process.

Please email me a line with any comments or feedback on this page. Thank you for visiting this page and I hope it helped you. Please pass it on to any you may know who are going though a separation or divorce or who want to inprove their marriage and prevent a divorce. This page will also be constantly improved as I study and obtain new information and perspectives that I see fit to include.

Yours, David Carlos

References cited:

 Boyd's Family Law Website:  http://www.bcfamilylawresource.com 2009

Focus on the Family: www.focusonthefamily.ca 2009

Grace to You: www.gty.org 2009

BC Familes in Transition: bcfit.org/ 2011

 My Certificate in Counselling Support